Thursday, November 11, 2010

Just Before the Morn...

We've all heard it said that the night is darkest just before the morn.  There is always morning for the Christian, and yet I find myself getting lost in that dark just prior to the dawn all too often these days.

The "what ifs" consume me.  Some pettier than others  What if we don't have an income soon?  What if the economy doesn't pick up soon?  Where will we live?  How will we provide for our two children?  What if we never own a home?  Or even live in one?  If I were to become pregnant again, could we afford a vehicle that we could get three car seats into?

Every now and then I still get upset over how long it will take us to own a home, but right now, I'd just like a home--even if that means a low-income apartment.  The prospect of living in your vehicle is one thing without children.  With them, unthinkable.

Not that it will come to that.  Though our families' homes are currently filled with other family members in need of shelter, we do have many friends who have volunteered bedrooms or basements.  In fact, we're currently living in the home of some friends who are out of the country.  They'll be returning at the end of the month.  And although I can't honestly say that living in a basement or all four of us sleeping in one bedroom is my idea of a desirable living arrangement, I know that it is much better than what some are currently facing.  I have never had so much compassion for the destitute as I do now, when I feel the potential for being in that same situation breathing down the back of my neck.  I know that God, and my husband will care for us, but things are frightening nonetheless.  Some situations require a constant reminder of the fact that there is hope.

We've often joked that finding employment will be much like finding one another.  Just when things began to feel hopeless, just when it felt we'd waited forever, God brought us together.  And it was so, so very sweet.  It still is.

Sometimes it seems as though others don't have valleys.  They skip along their merry way without being touched by suicide, singleness, or long-term unemployment.  And yet, my husband reminds me that they are not without their trials--we simply can't see many of them.  Either because the nature of those situations is private, or the individuals who are in the midst of those trials don't share them with many others.  My father's suicide was certainly the most traumatic life event I've ever experienced, and singleness was hard.  Unemployment when one has a family to support is also a hard thing.  All of those are also very public things.  And yet, I'm thankful that my marriage is sound (and yes, very sweet) and our children are clothed, fed, and healthy.  Yes, they are kept that way by the generosity of others, including the government, at the moment.  But in God's providence, they are.  

And so, in all things, we are to be giving thanks.  I'm trying, but if you run into me on a particularly rough day and ask how I'm doing, you just might need to be prepared to see me fight back a tear or two...


  1. Amber, this is the S half of the Song couple. I was deeply touched by your blog. Yes we all have our trials that we're struggling with - we can say that from firsthand experience. Thank you for your friendship towards my wife, especially in her most vulnerable times. And most of all, thank you for the healing that I felt in "hearing" you tell a part of your life story. We're praying for you.